96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Randomize
