I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
