Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
