dude i'm inner monologue high
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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