Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
