I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
