just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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