I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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