the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I will die if light touches me.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
