he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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