I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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