we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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