Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Sorry my hands just texted you
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
