I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
