Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
