Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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