I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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