Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I love you. Go after that dick
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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