Small penises have feelings too.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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