My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
