i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Randomize
