Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
this is an emotional support booty call
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
