my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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