We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
