I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Is it penis luge time yet?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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