Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
