I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
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