I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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