How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
