Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize