u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Randomize
