2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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