how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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