i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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