you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Houston, we have a squirter
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
