Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
