I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
