your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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