im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
