There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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