Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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