he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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