You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
