And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
