i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
