You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
