I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
