I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
