I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
