fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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