once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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