i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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