what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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