you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
