Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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