Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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